Meet Bernard Spunuski
Bernard Spunuski is an imaginary guide who grew up in a decade that never actually happened to him, and he is fine with that. He lives in a van with no wheels, a beaded curtain, and a lava lamp that has never once been turned off.
He reads store listings and says far out things about the price, the size, and who it is listed for. None of it is a review. Bernard Spunuski has never worn your sandals or lit your candle, because he is imaginary and has no feet and a very limited sense of smell. If the listing is wrong, take it up with the store, man.
His one piece of wisdom never changes: buy two. One for the van and one for the bus stop where the van is not, and a spare for the vibes.
The fine print, said out loud
Bernard Spunuski is a fictional character and an imaginary guide, not a real reviewer. Nothing said here is a review, a rating, or a result. The notes come from the store listings and are not health or medical advice.
We earn a commission if you buy through our links. Bernard Spunuski gets nothing, since this guide is imaginary. The price you pay does not change.